The Alchemist of Amestris
by Aurora-Borealis Coyote
Summary: When a tornado hits Ishval, Scar is transported to the magical land of Amestris, where he must fight evil, join forces with outcasts, save the land, and seek the help of a mysterious alchemist. Oh my! Parody of the Wizard of Oz. CRACK.
1. Not In Ishval Anymore

**Haven't written crack in…a long time…heh, I'll get back into the swing of it with this. I considered at first having it be a one-chapter thing, but then it would have been really condensed and forced. And that would not be crackin'. I reckoned that this would turn out…oddly. And I was right.**

**I have no idea where this idea came from. No idea at all.**

**Warnings: Eh…this story will contain language, sexual humor, questionable moral content, and pure crack. **

**Xiaomei is in Toto's part because I can. And…lol. Poor Riza. XD**

It was a very boring, dull, black and white day in Ishval. Again. Every day in Ishval was black and white and boring all over because Ishval was not loved enough by the federal government to be given color. But that isn't the story.

The story begins on this fairly lackluster day in postwar Ishval-which war, who's to say, there's been so many nobody in the government even cares anymore- with Scar, a regular Ishvalan with a….life or something, in his desert farmhouse or whatever Ishvalans lived in, with his pet panda Xiaomei. She lived in a basket. I'm serious. Ishval…

Scar also lived with his Uncle Edward and Aunt Winry, who were both younger than him and a different ethnicity, but still his aunt and uncle, because mechanics and alchemy combined can do anything. Together, they lived in what could be described as a "unique" life, but still tremendously boring. On that day, Scar was out with Xiaomei. He had just left a psychic's place- "Mystic Marcoh"- who had told him to get home because there was a tornado. But Scar was also running away, because the authorities were after him. Either way, whether he was going home or not, he was still out and target to the tornado. Scar just decided if the authorities came to his house Winry would kill them with her metals, or Ed would just lodge himself in someone's throat until they choked on him, and he went home.

The sky began to darken. "That's strange…maybe that Marcoh guy was right…I hope no more aliens come," Scar thought to himself, recalling the time when strange beings from Planet Central came and abducted his brother. But they wouldn't-it was only a tornado. A heat wave or a sandstorm? No, those things never happen in deserts- this was a full blown dust devil.

Scar said some Ishvalan curse words that have no translation that makes sense, but are roughly like "State Alchemist in heat" as the giant tornado tore the ground apart, enveloping his house, his land, and himself, carrying him away…

_Xx_

When Scar awoke, or opened his eyes, he realized that something was very, very wrong. The weather was normal, it did not seem that he was in Hell, and Xiaomei was not rabid and eating his intestines. No…a new thing had changed.

The world was in color!

"Xiaomei…" Scar began. "I have a feeling we're not in Ishval anymore."

Xiaomei did not answer. Of course. Scar's life may have been thrust into a colorful and strange world, but he still had come from somewhere over the Gate, where animals could not talk and responsible governments were not mythical fancies.

Scar looked around him-he realized that he was still in his house and just looking out the window, but other than that he had no idea where he could possibly be. Scar considered that he could be under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs (his health teacher from school, Mr. Tucker, had given them a great presentation about "not doing drugs, students dear," but ended up getting fired for selling kids Stone) , because the house appeared to be broken in half; more prominently, there was a sparkling bubble floating in the sky. Yes. In the freaking sky. Back in Ishval, the only things in the sky were clouds and flying bullets.

Scar walked out of the house, and did not see any blurred, rainbow lines in the air, and was able to walk in a straight line, so he ruled out the drug theory. The house was just, he noticed, slanted, but still on the ground, crushing a person. Sticking out from under the house was a pair of feet and a paper with alchemical designs.

"No, Xiaomei, this is no feeling. No way in hell are we still in Ishval," Scar said, and noticed that the feet were perfectly still. Great, his house had killed someone.

Suddenly, an air of suspense arose in the land, as a man flew to the house. He rode a broomstick which was on fire.

"Ishvalan wretch…you have killed my sister, the Wicked Lieutenant of the East!" he snapped, tightening the gloves on his hands, and wearing an unhappy but determined look on his face.

"And you would be…" Scar began, considering starting an argument with the man but realizing it would cause more trouble than it was worth, especially since he had little to no idea what was going on.

"You don't know me…" the man observed, straightening proudly and imposingly. "I am Roy Mustang…The Wicked Flame of the West!" his hands moved, and fire erupted from his fingers. From the tone of the Flame's voice, Scar could tell that this was something he was supposed to have a big reaction to.

"That's very…interesting..." Scar said. "Is that alchemy you're making the fire with?" If the Wicked Flame truly was using alchemy, then Scar thought there was a great chance this man truly was Wicked, committing crimes against the heavens, crimes in the same league of the war that ravaged Ishval, and in the same league of fan fiction.

"Well, of course," the Flame said, bored. "How else am I to reign over and instill terror in the land?" He grinned and stroked his mustache with his gloved fingertips. "Hey…is that my sister's alchemy arrays you're carrying?"

"Uh…they were right there on the ground…" Scar said.

"Yes! Right on the ground near my sister, because you ran your house into her! I'll get you, my pretty and your little cat too!" He shouted, mounting the fiery broomstick and flying away into the sky.

Scar was disturbed- he had a crazy alchemist after his blood, he had accidentally killed said alchemist's sister, said alchemist had referred to him as "my pretty", and most bizarrely of all, had referred to Xiaomei as a cat.

It was war!

Suddenly, the bubble in the sky floated down, and out of it came a woman wearing a sparkly military uniform. She was sparkly herself, as well. "I'll get you, one day, Mustang!" she shouted at the sky.

Scar hoped she wouldn't kill him.

The woman looked at Scar- "Where are you from? You are not a man of Briggsland. Your house must have come from somewhere else…and it must have brought you here, because if you were moving on the ground, you wouldn't have gotten through, not on my watch…But in any case, welcome."

"I'm from a place that's very far away, called Ishval. My name is Scar."

"How interesting. I'm Olivier Mira Armstrong, The Good Major General of the North."

"So are you like that Flame person?" Scar hoped not.

Olivier laughed. "Hell no! We're both…in a way…warriors. But very different kinds. Very…very…very different." Olivier was like Roy the way Dr. Knox was like Garfiel.

"So you are, as your name says, a good warrior and not a bad warrior, like Flame ?" Scar decided he needed just to know who he was dealing with, if he couldn't know anything else.

"I am, I suppose if you were to place me in a category, like my name has, good. But I am also the baddest boss you'll ever see, yo," Olivier said, tapping the ground with her sword in a most badass fashion. "I will be your guide in Amestris, the land you have just shaken…you'll definitely need a guide," she frowned.

"Thank you, Olivier. But I think I should get home. I didn't really mean to start anything, anyway."

"No, Scar, you know what? That's just too bad for you. Your house just killed Riza Hawkeye, The Wicked Lieutenant of the East, and right now, the Mayor of Briggsland is going to congratulate you. SLOTH! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE, DAMN IT!" She yelled, smiling triumphantly.

"Eghhhhh…." Moaned a muscular man, getting up from his rest spot on the ground. "Good for you and stuff…going back to bed now…" Mayor Sloth promptly collapsed.

"What is he..." Scar asked, edging away. 'Ishvala, what have I gotten myself into? Are you there, Ishvala? It's me, Scar!' he thought.

"He's a homunculus!" Olivier smiled in a pleased way, patting Sloth's shoulder. "And if you'd like to go home…the Alchemist of Amestris would be worth a visit. The Alchemist lives in the Red Stone City. I'm sure there's a lot for you there."

"The Alchemist?" Alchemy was the work of the devil, just like invasions and dating reality shows, Scar thought.

"Yes," Olivier explained, "The Alchemist lives in the city and can do, or so we hear, nearly anything. Just follow the Transmutation Circle Road," she pointed at a winding blue path. "I will watch over you. Just in case you are surviving, but not the fittest."

"Uh…ok," Scar said, deciding he had nothing to lose, and started for the road. Olivier clasped her sword and her bubble floated upwards, taking her with it.

"All right, Xiaomei. Looks like it can't get any weirder…" Scar warned the panda, but mostly himself.

He was so wrong.


	2. Sin Woman, Statecrow, and Cowardly Yoki

**Um. Yeah. So…I haven't exactly seen the actual film of the Wizard of Oz since the seventeenth century, so I'm relying on wikipedia. XP**

**Olivier isn't mentioned much in this chapter, but she will be back. Oh she will be.**

**Warnings: All the previous, with added drug content.**

Some time after Scar set off on the Red Stone road, he began nearing an area with trees. From this area, he could hear the sound of clanking and lumber falling. Scar decided that since he had nothing else to do and Olivier was probably off at some rave in Briggs where she would not help him, there would be no harm in going in.

"All right, Xiaomei," Scar said, "let's hope we don't die."

Scar made his way to the forest, and called out, "hello?" only to hear a voice drawl, "please don't be from the government," and a long spear slide out from between branches. Then followed a woman, her hand making one of the spears and her other hand carrying a log.

"I'm not. Not at all. Actually, I'm not even from here, from another world in fact, I'm from Ishval... I just need to find The Alchemist of Amestris," Scar said, observing the strange woman. Her fingers were lengthened into points, and she had a strange tattoo near her neck, not to mention purple eyes.

"The Alchemist? Ishval? You must be a human. I'm Lust, but sometimes I'm called the Sin Woodswoman because I'm named for the sin of lust, and I work in these woods…I'm a homunculus. I have no soul and no need for a heart…no need for anything, for we homunculi have long given up on joy...anyway, after our Father died, I've been making a living by working in the forest, since I can use my hands. What brings you to the Alchemist?" Lust asked.

"I just want to go back home. This place disturbs me. And….you have no soul! What is that even…no offense…what is that like?" Scar asked.

"Well, at times it's very beneficial. Many soul-having, foolish, misguided, lucky humans, or so I have noticed have their heads screwed on backwards. But Father, who created me to not have a soul, died. After that, my brothers and I had to pick up and find lives in a world where life is a dream…and our old ones still haunt us. Father gave us the Stones to make us pretend we had no soulful feelings and drown our sorrows, even though we do, even through our soullessness. So now I have Stone in my bloodstream, an addiction…hey Scar. Just say no, ok?" Lust said calmly, taking a joint of Stone out of nowhere and smoking it. Scar was still very disturbed.

"Wow…that's…quite a story," Scar said. "Would you like to come see The Alchemist as well?" Maybe a person from Amestris could help me find my way, Scar thought. Even if she has no soul and could kill me with her little finger, if not from second hand smoke first…

Lust narrowed her eyes. "Well…I don't really see why not. The recession has left me with practically no job to miss, anyway. And I'd love to go on vacation, I haven't done that since Gluttony and I went to Drachma for…_special_ purposes." Scar did not want to find out what "special" meant in this case.

"Okay. Do you know where The Alchemist is? Olivier, the Good Major General says right down this road…but then she just basically banished me…so I could use some help."

"You really must be from Ishval. The Alchemist lives in Central, the capital city. I used to live there with my family…" Lust said, reminiscing about her olden days, of evil plans and urban decay. Scar had no idea how to respond to Lust's "family" comments, as his family seemed to know how to function…though very bizarrely. "Let's get on the road. Rush hour is not a battle you want to join in Amestris. People drive like a drunken Sloth." Knowing of Mayor Sloth, Scar decided to heed Lust's warning and get along.

They walked along the Transmutation Circle Road; from her basket, Xiaomei began trying to work the GPS machine. When she realized that the machine only knew Ishvalan roads and not Amestrian roads, she did what everyone must do with their GPS machines- destroy them. The small panda began slamming the machine against the basket wall, and then ate the remains.

After a while, they noticed a nearby field. There was someone standing in the field, which had a burned crater in it. This someone was staring at both Scar and Lust. "What brings you people here?" he asked, appearing to laugh with a closed mouth.

"We're off to see the Alchemist. Who are you, anyway?" Lust asked, patting Xiaomei.

"I'm Kimblee, the State Alchemist. I live near this field, and have ever since I broke out of prison," he said happily. "At times, they call me Statecrow. Like scarecrow. In addition to other things."

"They call you Statecrow, like scarecrow…because you're a mindless tool of the government used as a puppet to do jobs the higher ups don't feel like doing, and regular citizens waste their tax money on paying?" Scar asked. They had State Alchemists where he came from, after all. Such as his junior-high health teacher, Tucker.

"No. The hell with you, it's because I live in a field. Who are you people anyway? You're certainly not from around here," replied a very annoyed Kimblee.

"I'm Scar. I'm from another world. Ishval, to be particular. A tornado took me here. And…I'd really like to not be here," Scar said, looking between Lust, who had consumed enough Stones so that there was a reddish light coming from inside her skin where a heart would be, and Kimblee, who was rubbing his palms together and appearing to be in some mild form of pleasure.

"My name is Lust," Lust said, getting a headache from being around humans. "I'm a homunculus." There was a pause. "A homunculus, man. Just…trouble on the water, if you catch my drift." Kimblee stared at her uneasily.

"Well, the bounty hunters are probably coming for me again and if I'm only going to be handcuffed by military workers if it gets me promoted and well-paid, if you catch my drift," Kimblee said, and Lust shook her head. "I'd like to see the Alchemist. I've always wanted my mind to coexist with my alchemy in other ways, such as telekinesis. You wouldn't mind if I joined you…uh…people? I'm really not trying to offend you two, but someone from another world is technically an extraterrestrial, and a homunculus is technically a doll."

"That's somewhat racist of you," Scar said.

"No, it's not. Racist would be if I began talking about how inferior aliens' souls are to that of true humans, or that homunculi or chimeras or whatever science experiments are going around these days are completely-" Kimblee did not get to finish his sentence because Lust assaulted him with a wrench.

"Now you can come with us, human," she said evenly.

Scar wondered why exactly he was being called an alien, in a world where people flew around in bubbles. He wondered where Olivier was, because Scar realized that there was a distinct possibility that he was in far over his head.

"How dangerous is Amestris, anyway?" Scar asked, trying to seem casual, and succeeding, due to his stoic nature. Ishval had been in a war, but not with flying warriors, homunculi, or Great Alchemists.

"Amestris is just lovely," Kimblee said contentedly.

"Amestris is a hellhole," said Lust, remembering its creation, and the soon-after creation of Amestris' first torture-instrument creation school, which Father had been principal of.

How wonderful, Scar thought.

"…Lust. What are you doing," Kimblee said, observing Lust smoke Stones from a grandfather pipe.

"Oh, I'm drowning my sorrows of course, you foolish human…I forget, oh, you pitiful creature, you're a human. You don't understand sorrow," she said in the same tone she would say "Gluttony, trans fats are illegal," or "Oh, my poor Envy, that's the women's department."

The journey went on. After a while, they came to another forest. This one was not marked by the Flame's forest fire arson trail across Amestris, and nobody knew where exactly to go, since the path stopped at the forest opening.

When I see Olivier, I'll thank her, if I don't get killed in the forest by a wild animal first…or killed by Kimblee's alchemy…or killed by Lust snapping on her drugs and thinking I'm a figment of her imagination and trying to repel me with a blowtorch, Scar thought sarcastically.

"Let's go in," said Scar. Lust drew out her spears in a gesture of self-protection. After all, this was Amestris, land of the chained and home of danger. "What do you think is in there?" Scar had a feeling that Amestris had dangers foreign to him, unfamiliar dangers that were not anything like scorpions or angry priests possessed by demons out for vengeance.

"You never know what's in forests these days. Once I was in a war campaign in the forest and came across Darius and Heinkel- never mind," Kimblee said, noticing blank stares of Scar and Lust. "I mean to say, there very well could be rogue military members, chimera gangs, or abandoned failed transmutations in dark forests such as this. So it's best to be cautious."

They started to go into the forest- Lust's spears were out Kimblee's hands were ready, and Scar was praying. After a few seconds, a yell sounded.

"WHAT are you guys going to do!" shouted a man with a mustache who had pried a long and spiky branch from a nearby tree and was brandishing it like a battleaxe. He was wearing a military uniform.

"Well…we were trying to get to Central to see The Alchemist. We're not going to do anything harmful…I think," Scar told him, watching the man glare wildly at him as if he was going to kill him.

"So you're not working with the Flame, or coming into my forest refuge to bring me to the military or rob me or perhaps let Cornello sacrifice me to altars, give me to whacked-out alchemists, or send me to the mercy of homunculi?" asked the man in a most paranoid fashion. But then again, if you were once in the Amestrian military, you would be paranoid too.

"I'm Scar…and I have altars at home but I'm not Cornello...I don't really have a name, but I'm glad I'm not named 'Cornello.' I don't think Lust, who is a homunculus, would have any desire to maim you or anything…and I really don't know about Kimblee…" Scar said. "I suppose you're safe around us."

"That's good to know!" The man said. "Well…wait. I can see you being some pious person because you seem very uptight,"- Scar facepalmed "and he doesn't seem like he isn't an alchemist"- Kimblee did not know whether or not to be offended- "…is she really a homunculus, though?"

"Yes," said Lust, as if she'd said it a thousand times. "This is my Philosopher's Stone." She took two of her fingers, made them clawlike, and opened up her chest to reveal a large red Stone. Scar stared blankly and wondered if Ishvala had been especially starved for confusing innocent people like himself, Kimblee appeared to be both horrified and turned on, and Yoki dry heaved over a rock. This did not surprise Lust, not any of it.

"Well, I'm Yoki. Lieutenant or Ex Lieutenant Yoki, all the same to me… people call me Cowardly Yoki at times though, because I'm apparently a coward. I'm awesome, though. Even though sometimes I kind of fail epically at everything…I'd like to become very powerful and great. I think I'll come along with you guys to The Alchemist," Yoki declared, walking along.

"It'll be like a party, then, just like the Great Xingese Death-Pox of 1446," Kimblee said.

"Yes, Yoki, join us. But after this I think we're company enough. We can't all take care of each other if we've got too many," Lust decided.

"I suppose that's our plan, then," Scar said almost reluctantly, as they moved through the forest to get to Central. It was a very long day he was having.

What he didn't know was that there was more where that came from.


	3. We're Off To See The Alchemist

**This story should not be so much fun to write. Meh. I try to tone down on my profanity for you guys. XD**

**Yoki and Lust just get weirder as this go on. As with this story…**

"…then came the famine, and all the humans in the prairie starved to death, which left us with no way to make a living. So we had to move to the city, and things were manageable for a while, until the steam-mill began lowering my pay, and Envy caught consumption. Things got even worse when the townspeople started a mob against us and burned Greed to his death. Amidst this, Father was still the richest man in the district," Lust said. Walking to the Alchemist, the four travelers had decided to tell their life stories. Lust's life, being very long, had spawned a long life story. After two hours, she was still talking about the 1880s.

"How….terrible," Scar said.

"Your refusal to give up is nearly alarming," Kimblee told Lust.

"Ok, you know what? Your life is tremendously jacked up," Yoki said.

"Aren't we all?" Came a voice from the air. It was Olivier, who had materialized in her bubble, surprising everyone. Olivier tended to do this a lot. One time in Briggsland, however, she had surprised people a bit too much, and Buccanneer had thrown a circle of salt around himself and held out a crucifix before realizing it was Olivier and not a creature of the apocalypse.

"SHIT, WOMAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, one minute we're just walking along and the next you pop out of nowhere like some sparkling genie," Yoki exclaimed.

"Hello," Lust said calmly.

"Whoa. Guys. Just chill out, allright? I'm not going to kill or maim any of you. I'm your guide, after all, Olivier, the Good Major General. So watch what you say, unless you really want to make me mad," Olivier told them. "Besides…if you make me mad, I'd just have to make a new pool of cement." She smiled evilly.

"So, Olivier, is everything all right with…the situation?" Scar asked tentatively, looking at the warrior, who was carrying her sword horizontally across her shoulders.

"Well, that Mustang isn't brought down yet, so not quite. But other than that, everything's fine, in fact, right now, there's a big party in Briggsland. All I came was to tell you about…the arrays. You have them still, right, Scar?" Olivier asked in a tone that clearly meant, 'Scar, if you don't have the arrays, you will not live to see another second.'

"Yes," Scar said, taking them from his pocket.

"Good," Olivier warned. "Hold onto them. _Forever_." She then turned to the three Amestrian citizens. "Lust, I remember that time when Sloth introduced us, it's nice seeing you again. Yoki, I've heard good things about you from outside sources. And Kimblee…I'm still just _not_ going to go out with you," Olivier said. Before anyone could ask questions, Olivier said, "I must go now, have a successful journey," and vanished into thin air with the help of her bubble."

Yoki smiled at Kimblee, who did not look amused or pleased. "Rejected…" he said obnoxiously.

"I guess that means we should keep moving now," Scar decided.

"You guys make me so excited for this journey," deadpanned Yoki, holding his head.

"It could be worse, you know. There could be musical numbers," Lust said with quiet optimism, which probably came from the after-effects of Stone highs.

So they began walking along the road. After a while, they came to a field of poppies, and the Red Stone City came after it, shining red as the flowers were.

"That's strange. Why would someone plant flowers here?" Scar asked, wondering how long it would take to get to the city with the mass of flowers in the way of the passage.

"Something about this just isn't right," Yoki said, who was edging away from the flowers. His eyes were glazed over and in a few seconds he collapsed to the ground. The three remaining wanderers went close to see what was wrong.

Soon enough, Kimblee began wavering out of consciousness. "I don't know what this feeling taking me down is…but I'm sure it's your fault," he said to Scar.

Then, Lust started feeling very strange. As the flowers took over her system, she cackled "goodbye, cruel world!" before falling to the ground.

And lastly, Scar was the only one left awake. "Um…what happened?" He asked. "HELLO? Can any of you hear me?" It appeared that no, they couldn't. They were so asleep that they appeared to be restful, which was odd, considering who we are talking about here. Scar decided to see if there was anything he could do.

Walking over to Yoki, Scar prodded his shoulder, saying "hey, Yoki. It would be really great if you woke up. Because I'm not really sure what to do now." No response.

So Scar walked over to Lust. "Please wake up. We need you…you're the only one around here who thinks straight-never mind, actually, you just are the least messed up out of us. Maybe." But Lust still appeared to be sleeping.

"KIMBLEE, IN THE GOOD NAME OF ISHVALA, WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Scar yelled into Kimblee's ear, but there was no result.

"Oh, Xiaomei, what are we going to do…" Scar pondered. The panda shrugged. "DAMN YOU, AMESTRIS!" Scar shook his fist at the sky.

"Tell me about it," Olivier said, appearing from nowhere. Scar stared in silence for a few seconds. 'Thank you for arriving so conveniently,' Scar would have said if Olivier would not have hit him for it.

"Uh…Olivier…it's always a surprise when you drop in…can you please help me, here? I'm not sure what's going on," Scar said.

"Oh, this? That's what I came to tell you about. The Wicked Flame is tracking you and made this trap so that you'd all fall asleep. You are now all fugitives," Olivier explained. "I'll wake them up." She slammed the tip of her sword into the ground and chanted some old Drachman spells.

Lust, Kimblee and Yoki began waking up. "What- the – HELL- just happened!" Yoki shouted.

"I'm alive," Lust said thoughtfully.

"I think I hate my life," Kimblee said.

"You three, I just finished telling Scar- the Flame is after you. You must all be incredibly careful, or else you'll be in his freaky, fiery clutches. But the good thing is, you're almost at the Alchemist's home. See?" She pointed to the distant skyline. "Well, I'm going now. Mayor Sloth is table dancing. I'll see you!" She saluted and vanished.

Lust protectively grasped Scar's shoulder and Yoki and Kimblee's sides. "Looks like it's just us now. We must prevail against the odds and law, just like the centuries of old, I and my brothers of six of the knighthood of The Homunculi"- she cut herself off. "Sometimes I go into medieval flashback. Sorry about that."

"How old are you, anyway?" Scar asked.

"I…I am one thousand years old. I'm one thousand years old," Lust said, taking a flask of Stone from her jacket and drinking it. My friends are all deranged, Scar thought.

"Maybe we should start walking?" Scar suggested.

"I can clear the way with my alchemy," Kimblee said, putting his hands to the ground. Soon enough, the land was coming apart in a ravaged blaze, and Kimblee was moaning, "OH that symphony is TAKING me OVER," always stimulated by his work.

"He looks like he's having an orgasm while being electrocuted," Scar watched.

"Humans are just so endearing that way," Lust said.

"Well, guys, I'm going to the city with you…but do you think it's better if I just stay in Briggsland?" Yoki switched the subject.

"No, actually, even though I probably should," Scar told him.

"You should come with us, we're a team," Lust encouraged.

"Yoki, if you left, I'd be the third wheel," Kimblee realized, coming back from the destroyed garden.

"Do you think we need a car?" Yoki wondered.

"No. We're off to see the Alchemist and all we need is each other," Scar said, with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever. He hoped the Alchemist would help him with the Flame problem…and get him back home…but mainly help destroy the Flame, because if Olivier was off partying, then Scar realized the Alchemist was his last hope.


	4. Chang, the Great and Terrible

**I thought I'd put in some Wicked Flame in this chapter. I…don't know what's gotten into him. :D**

**Gossip Alchemist. It needs to be done.**

**After reading this you can guess who "The Alchemist" is, right? **

In the center of the Red Stone City, there was a great palatial building. It seemed to be a hundred stories high, with glimmering towers the sensual color of roses, fire, and red Stones. Well, of course, the Red Stone City would make everything in those rich tones. The buildings were red, the people wore red, the cars were painted red, and since this was Amestris, the spatters of blood on the ground were red.

"This must be it," Scar said, looking at the building/palace/office space. It was…the home of The Alchemist, where his problem could be fixed!

"This building-" began Lust thoughtfully.

"If you were going to say 'would look absolutely gorgeously entrancing in glimmering, jagged ruins burning all over the ground,' then homegirl, I agree entirely," Kimblee said, distractedly rubbing his palms together.

Lust smacked Kimblee upside the head. "No. I was not. I was going to tell you that 'this building was built by me and my brothers soon after the Technological Revolution of 1798. '" She shook her head, her hair emitting the smoke of incense- form Stones. "So do you think The Alchemist would be ready for us?"

"I'm sure there's a way for us to find out if we go inside," Yoki said, making his way to the door. "I understand I'm doing you all a favor by going in first, but does anyone want to go in ahead of me?" there was silence all around as Yoki held out his arm in front of the door in a deceptively chivalrous way.

"Fine. I will." Scar said, thinking, you're welcome, you guys, I totally could be getting back with the help of Olivier or someone who isn't a few symbols short of a full transmutation circle, but no. Opening the door, Scar took notice of the rhinestone-encrusted exterior, and everyone else walked in behind.

Inside was an extravagant yet imposing red interior. A desk was in the center of the room, being monitored by a distracted looking receptionist, who was a teenager with long hair.

"Are you here to see The Wonderful Alchemist?" he asked, appearing to be spaced out, Scar noticed. But then again, put up next to Scar, many would appear to be spaced out. The name on the receptionist's nameplate on the desk said "Ling", and he had written "Prince" in permanent marker before his name.

"Yes, that is our exact reason for coming. But where must we go to speak with The Alchemist?" Scar asked Ling.

"Well, the Alchemist's main conference room is right down that hall; I can ring the phone line and say you're all on your way… I hope no other appointments have been made, come to think of it…eh, she won't get TOO mad. I think," Ling grinned, clutching the telephone assuredly and beginning to dial.

There was a silence. It was not a pleasant silence. This was strange, seeing as Yoki usually was talkative, Kimblee usually was informing people of the amount of people of your race/ethnicity/species he had killed, Lust was usually telling the youngins about the good olden days, and Scar was usually the only silent one. Xiaomei even was sleeping in the basket.

Ling sensed the odd silence, and the unusual circumstance. "You can go right down the hall now." The Alchemist always received such weird visitors, he thought, like that time last week with the suit of armor who appeared to be in some sort of hysterics. And even The Alchemist's friends; that New Year's party from the previous year had scarred him mentally for life. But that story is disclosed and you will have to pay him for him to tell you.

Meanwhile, as Ling was receiving profanity-ridden faxes from his friends Ranfan and Fuu ("this is our new song, we're going to be rap superstars once we find the Stone"), the new four guests were making their way down to the Alchemist's room.

When he saw nobody else was making any moves, Scar reached out and knocked on the great door twice. After a moment, the doors opened, seemingly on their own. This oddity was one of the many things Scar disliked about alchemy. It was never used for anything beneficial; only warfare, magic-tricks, and television dramas like "Gossip Alchemist," whose titular narrator was as of yet unrevealed, but most viewers theorized it either to be Isaac McDougal or, in an ironic plot twist, Izumi Curtis.

As the sparkling doors swept open, a voice called from the dark and cavernous room. "_Who goes there?" _It roared.

"I am Scar. I am from Ishval, another world…"

"Ex-Lieutenant Yoki IN THE HOUSE."

"Lust. That's all. I wonder what your name is."

" So I'm Kimblee, you've probably seen that name in the news reports and tabloids and things? This guy who loses fights to chimeras and ended up in prison? He's…uh…totally not me. He's…my cousin. Right."

"_Well, now that I know who approaches me, I do not believe I have made myself properly introduced. I AM CHANG, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE. I shall make you see the impossible, for I AM THE ALCHEMIST, THE WONDERFUL ALCHEMIST OF AMESTRIS!...it's fun doing that…"_

"So you truly are the beacon of power the humans of this country say you are," Lust said.

"_LOL thanks dude, I try," _Said the Alchemist.

"Well…" Scar began wondering how exactly to word his statement amidst the absurdity of it all, especially when the person he was talking to wasn't even there for him to see. "I need something that I have been told can be obtained through your help. I have heard you can work miracles-"

"_I'm an alchemist, so I can do things that some will call miracles. But it's for a price! Scar, do you know of The Wicked Flame of the West?" _

"Why, yes actually-" began Scar, only to be cut off by Yoki.

"That fire loving freak; I swear, I'd love to see him go down!" he said.

"Roy Mustang and I have a very difficult relationship," Kimblee said uncomfortably.

"That bastard said he loved me," Lust reminisced vengefully.

"_Great! Ask me for anything within reason, but only if you kill The Flame first, ok? Sounds wonderful, it was nice meeting you all! Goodbye now, Alchemist out!" _ And the lights went out, and the loud voice silenced. An abrupt and confusing end to a very….vivacious and somewhat one sided conversation. Scar made a mental note, after hearing The Alchemist's gleeful decree of murder, to never go out of line in The Alchemist's presence.

Lust put her smoking pipe behind her ear and extended her talons, preparing to sharpen them. "The Flame…I can surely take him down if I get the right shot."

Yoki tossed up his hands. "I've never killed anyone before! Maybe I just won't be of any use and should leave….no? Really? Oh, come on, you guys!"

"I will give The Flame his alchemic dues," Kimblee said most vainly.

Scar shook his head. This has got to be all a dream, because I sure am not going to go on a mission to kill some magic alchemist, he thought.

_Xx_

Somewhere, The Flame was in his lair with his subordinates. He was looking through his crystal ball, spying on the four who dared challenge him! I will show them with my flames of power, he thought.

"Look," said The Flame. "It's Yoki. The one with the mustache even worse than mine." He'd admit it, the mustache wasn't desirable; but he needed an evil physical characteristic. And it was fun to stroke it.

"Isn't he not even in the military anymore?" Fuery asked as he hacked into the Drachman government website.

"Who cares?" Breda said, crafting a mace out of carved chess pieces.

The Flame smiled at this and continued to look. "And Lust, the homunculus…"

"She is pretty," Havoc observed, thinking about his miserable existence.

"She'll be hot in the flames, dear. And will you check out that hot-mess, Kimblee. I don't know what's worse…Kimblee or that lavender scarf," The Flame remarked.

"Tough call. But who is this fourth member of the party? We have never seen him," Falman calculated.

"That…is my new nemesis, Falman. The one who killed my sister…the one who we will show the meaning of FLAME," said Roy Mustang, and he cackled as he created flames that licked the ceiling.

He would take down the challengers, and then The Good Major General and rule Amestris, once and for all!


	5. The Ruby Arrays

**I'M BACK. Be afraid.**

**Why does everyone keep interrupting each other?**

As Scar was walking out of the building and thinking about just how exactly he would manage to kill the flying flammable one, Ling called out to him:

"By the way, The Alchemist just wants to make something clear- bring back the Flame's broomstick please?" What, so she can burn her floor and need to get new house insurance? Scar thought.

"Definitely," replied Scar. Oh well, he figured, Ling here has enough enthusiasm for all six of us. How enviable.

"All right," Lust said calculatedly, "I have it on record that The Flame once lived in East City but got driven out by a mob carrying pitchforks. Now, I know where he lives-"

"I've been to his house. It was not a very pleasant experience, I should say. I'm never asking him what 'State Alchemists Gone Wild' is ever again, because-" Kimblee began to tell a story nobody sane wants to hear.

"Shut up, y'all! Why do we even think it's a good idea to stalk this Flame anyway?" Yoki declared.

Wow, Scar thought, now that everyone is done interrupting each other I can say something. "I'm sure we'll find him somehow," he said, only half wanting to. But it didn't really matter in regards to what he wanted, because as he took the nest step forward, an arm swept down and grasped him.

"You will be coming with me!" proclaimed the Wicked Flame of the West, Roy Mustang, who was holding his broomstick in one hand and Scar in the other.

Yoki took one look at the Flame, shot him the middle finger, and went to go hide behind a boulder.

"You are still the same Flame from the war, still made to kill and torment, you like it when I push your buttons like this, don't you?" said Kimblee.

"And you're still a desperate hack who's in love with the sound of his own voice and only got out of prison by doing sexual favors for Mrs. Bradley," The Flame countered as he stared at Lust's tattoo.

"Please refrain from staring at my ouroborous; I have no soul but I do have the same feelings as a human," Lust cautioned.

"Look lady, I am not staring at your tattoo, I'm staring at that joint in your hand. Oh damn, if I were one of your kind I'd have smoked myself into a state of permanent hallucination. I've met your brother or sister or whatever that green haired thing is. You all must hate life." The Flame was beginning to mount the broomstick.

"Are none of you going to help me!" Scar exclaimed, but it was in vain, because The Flame, laughing maniacally, had taken him onto the broom.

_Xx_

As the Flame flew away with Scar and Xiaomei; Lust, Yoki, and Kimblee were left back on the earth.

"I say we all just go home and everything will work itself out," Yoki suggested, thinking of going to one of the hotels in the Red Stone City to stay safe in case The Flame came after him. As he started to walk away, he thought of the overpriced room service and the haunted elevators.

"Now that we are alone, my lady, we shall-" Kimblee began some bullshit 'gentleman' speech he found from one of the Fuhrer's romance novels, but then Lust motioned for him to stop talking and shot out her hand, preventing Yoki from moving any further. "Yoki, you're not getting anywhere. And Kimblee, you're not getting any."

Lust looked up to The Flame's silhouette on the sky, and then to the Alchemist's house. "Back in the hinterlands, my brothers and I learned the value of perseverance and how to make ends meet."

"…" said Yoki and Kimblee.

"I know how we can find the Flame…I think," Lust began, smoking the Stone.

"We should find his credit card number and do some identity theft!" suggested Yoki.

"Awesome!" Lust exclaimed.

"Agreed. And you know what, since we're all of a relatively morally impure state, can I put it on the table that it would be lovely to kill the Flame in a majestically ceremonially beautiful alchemic fashion?" Kimblee asked.

"You're a freak," Yoki deadpanned.

"That's what you say. My mother always told me I was unique," Kimblee replied.

"My father always told me I was just an extra mouth to feed and that if it weren't for me and my brothers being so inhuman, we wouldn't suffer so much and we wouldn't have such difficulty with making the farm survive," Lust said, reminiscing with the help of the Stone-haze. "Shall we go off now?"

_Xx_

Meanwhile, Scar was in the Flame's evil lair. The lair looked remarkably like an office building, except there was a large party-store-purchased cauldron in the center, and dry ice filled the air. Also, there were alchemically created flames all over the place, and there was a large crystal ball in the center of the room.

"Tell me what you want," Scar said.

"Look ese, you're here, so you better frickin know what the boss frickin wants," Breda threateningly said (Breda had started out with an acting career, starring in gangster films directed by Roze Thomas, who made a living after the turmoil in Liore by taking what she saw of her city's turmoil and creating suspense/dramas of it).

"…" Scar said.

"I'm pleased with your interrogation skills, Breda. But Scar, what I want…is the ruby arrays. It is very simple. You took them, and that stone cold fox Olivier told you to keep them as I saw through the useful crystal ball and you can give them to me." The Flame said mysteriously.

"No. Olivier says I must hold onto them, and I think I'm smart enough to take her word over yours," Scar replied in annoyance.

"Oh no he didn't," Havoc commented.

"If you don't, I'll kill Xiaomei," The Flame exclaimed.

"Actually, sir, with the passing of these recent animal cruelty laws-"began Falman.

"I am Roy Mustang. I do not stand for following laws, but for doing what I must do, for I am THE WICKED FLAME OF THE WEST," The Flame declared. "AHAHAHA!"

"You truly are wicked! If you want to kill a defenseless panda, then I cannot let you. Take your dead sister's ruby arrays!" Scar took them out of his pocket and threw them at the wicked alchemist.

"NOW THE WORLD IS MINE!" the Flame shouted. "You knew I could do it, Riza, wherever you are! HAHAHAAA-" but before the Flame could finish laughing, Xiaomei took the arrays from his hands and began to run. Just my luck, she thought.

"What have you done," said an awestruck Flame.

"Come on Scar, let's go!" Xiaomei shrieked.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TALK!" shouted Scar as he tried to get away and follow the panda, who had successfully escaped.

The Flame said, "So it has come to this. You must die for me to obtain my sister's ruby arrays. May the flames of the sulfurous kettle of vengeance's demons and hellwitches consume you, scarred one!"

In the background, some dramatic violin music sounded.


	6. Attack Against the Flame

**Updating slowly, aren't I? ._. Been so busy. You don't even know. :O**

…**.do pandas sound like that? How do they sound anyway? **

**Olivier's been missing! :O Well, according to wikipedia she should be coming soon.**

Lust, Kimblee, and Yoki had not made much progress. In fact, they had barely walked at all, due to disputes over where to go.

_("I think it's this way, you two," Lust had said._

"_I can't believe I'm taking directions from you when we are in the middle of nowhere and probably just using this as an opportunity to kill us slowly, you homunculus," Kimblee replied._

"_Maybe we should just give up," Yoki had suggested, "if we're going to argue."_

"_That's what the Flame wants. These humans are fools but they know how to fool others," Lust warned._

"_All right…but why are we even staying together?" Yoki said._

_They all thought that was a very good question.)_

So it was better for everyone, including Scar, and possibly excluding the Flame, when Xiaomei came to the Red Stone City's center. She began to wave her paws around so that someone would notice her before Lust's high heel shoes stabbed her. Xiaomei thought of speaking, but that had been a last resort when she spoke to Scar, and she thought to herself that if she started talking, Yoki would be sent into cardiac arrest from shock, and as a panda, Xiaomei didn't have a lawyer or money to fight the lawsuit. So she just made her panda shrieking sounds.

"It figures Scar wouldn't know how to take care of his pets. So what's Xiaomei doing here?" Kimblee asked.

"Well, this would be totally great, except it's not as if we can just ask her what's going on since she's just a panda," Yoki said pessimistically.

"Actually, Yoki, back in '71 when I went on a spiritual rock and roll journey with the others, I had this conversation at a psychedelic rock concert with someone who I think was a panda, but looking back that could have just been all the Stone," Lust said, speaking fondly of her days in the hippie movement. War, Love and Happiness…

Xiaomei began moving her arms. "I think she's trying to tell us something," Yoki said, looking down to get a better view of what Xiaomei was trying to say. Xiaomei began pointing in the direction of the Flame's place, where she came from.

"There's something over there, I think she means," said Lust.

"You think. You creatures…with all your powers you only use them when it means you can take over the universe," Kimblee said.

"Because we don't do that out of orders. And because I can just go up to Xiaomei and use my psychic powers and native wisdom of the olden days to guess what she is saying. Is that what you mean?" Lust asked sarcastically.

"I just hope you're not psychic," Yoki thought aloud.

Xiaomei thought, WILL YOU ALL JUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME! and began panda-shrieking again as she wildly pointed her arm over in the right direction and moved a bit.

"She wants us to follow her," concluded Yoki. "You sure you need me?"

Xiaomei let out a string of frustrated curses in Panda language.

"All right. This panda is useful to us. Yoki, you're not allowed to lose track of her; Kimblee, you're not allowed to kill her." Lust was used to taking charge of her less focused brothers.

"Any other sage advice?" Yoki sarcastically asked.

Kimblee said "I have some. Nobody should run away or… steal money" –he looked at Yoki- "since we're on a road trip and in road trip movies when people run out of money they always end up shooting up karaoke clubs or that sort of thing. I don't think we're prepared for that kind of trouble right now. And nobody should stab people. Even though it's really fun." He looked at Lust when he said this.

"This sounds good," Lust contemplated. "Should we follow the panda now?"

Xiaomei smiled determinedly as they followed her to the lair of The Flame. Everything should go according to plan, she thought, but knew who she was with. Her company consisted of Yoki, who was lagging behind and trying to hail a cab; Lust, who was trying to see how far she could extend her spears and swinging her arms in a warlike fashion, narrowly avoiding taking down a building; and Kimblee, who was cleaning blood from under his finger nails and being distracted by thinking of all the many ways this story managed to mess with him. Wow, Xiaomei thought, this should be interesting.

_Xx_

After a while, Xiaomei managed to lead them to The Flame's mansion-lair-house-headquarters-abandoned office building with decorations-palace. It was large and gray, like a newer corporate building, but had turrets and towers inspired from the medieval era alchemically attached on top of it. But, since it was the Flame's hideout, and the Flame had been in the same "Master Warrior" class in school as Olivier, so Olivier's strong defense system bore similarities to that of the Flame.

"They're going to know who we are because The Flame knows us," Yoki said. "What do we do now?"

"We could buy them off," Kimblee said. "We do some things for them and they do some things for us."

"This is why your military is failing…" Lust began, before they all noticed the guards standing outside of the Flame's mansion. The guards were looking at them as if they expected a very, very good explanation. However, these guards were not going to get a good explanation.

Xiaomei made some very frantic paw gestures towards the guards. One of them stepped forward; he was a man with glasses named Hughes. "You seem a bit familiar…anyway, my boss says you can't come in without the password. Or, more accurately passphrase"

"I can make a deal with you…" began Yoki, grinning evilly and stroking his face with that handkerchief of his.

"Your boss is the Flame?" Lust asked calculatedly, trying to look like a normal human- key word trying, since her tattoo appeared to be moving.

"Is the passphrase 'the conflict in Aerugo,' 'my cat is amazing, he can play the guitar,' 'OlivierxIzumi m-rated fanfiction,' or 'Father'? " Kimblee asked, remembering bribing prison wardens for information such as this.

"Who are you people," Hughes said flatly, taking out a knife.

"ATTACK!" Shrieked Xiaomei as a last-resort, as she hypnotized Hughes into being still. His last words before going into a trance were "Roy…they…are…here…" and he clutched his heart dramatically.

"OK! TAKE THEIR UNIFORM COATS AND ENTER THE FLAME'S MANSION!" Xiaomei shrieked.

"It's nice speaking with you not using ESP," Lust said as she put on a coat.

"So do we find Scar now?" Kimblee asked, wearing a guard's uniform.

"This appears to be the direction the plot wants us to go in. We really have no free will at all. I should have stayed home…better a 'cowardly Yoki' than this…"Yoki said, contemplating the meaning of life with a serious face and ambient, deep music in the background.

Scar had better thank me for this, Xiaomei thought bitterly.


	7. And Your Little Panda Too

**Busy, man. Just wow.**

**Crimson Lotus Healing Arts exists. It seems like Kimblee just acts as a magnet for more and more psychological tortures. : )**

**It honestly wouldn't surprise me if Lust could grow a tank from her hand. **

**Hot damn, this one's violent.**

After breaking into the Flame's residence, Xiaomei, Yoki, Lust, and Kimblee stood at the front area of the room. All were wearing stolen guard's uniforms, even Xiaomei, who had stolen Black Hayate's uniform. But the uniform was big on her and needed to be taken in.

"I think I just heard the panda talk," Yoki said.

"You did," replied an offended Xiaomei. Nobody believed her when she spoke, and when they did accept her speaking abilities, they were too afraid to listen to her. So whenever she had something important to say, she used fake blood to write messages in bathtubs.

"I really don't have the words to describe how unnatural that is," said Kimblee.

"I wish that you will go to a massage parlor and your masseuse will be Lust, who will come in blindfolded and drunk with her talons extended," Xiaomei said in Panda language.

"Well, the Flame probably surrounds himself with trusted workers, so if we listen, we will probably hear them…just as long as we stay in disguise," Lust said, referring to the uniforms and bloodlustfully thinking of killing The Flame. Well, she had to live up to her name in some way.

"If anyone asks, we can't tell our real names. If they don't know our face, they'll know our names," said Yoki, who knew this as being infamous among the military, having being kicked out. "Since I don't have any pseudonym, I'll be Dante."

"I'll be Solaris," said Lust.

"I suppose I'll be Crimson Lotus," said Kimblee.

"You mean like the acupuncture association, Crimson Lotus Healing Arts?" Yoki asked.

"Every. Single. Time. No. And Crimson Lotus is not the name of a zen restaurant, a Bollywood-techno band, a stripper, a floral design company, or a martial arts movie, since everyone asks. It is my former State Alchemist name. Okay?" said Kimblee.

"Whatever, yo. I'll be General Hakuro," Xiaomei said.

"That's really unsettling," said Yoki, because his mustache wasn't, and neither was the fact that he just took on the name as a five hundred year old alchemist who wore renaissance gowns.

"Why don't you just learn ESP?" Lust suggested. "You can take desert herbs and mix them with some Stone, and when you smoke it, it sharpens your senses, especially your Sixth Sense. Everyone in my family does it." Yes, for a homunculus, Lust was normal.

"The last time I tried that, it was a high school party and I awoke tied up in The Wicked Lieutenant's bed…" said Kimblee.

Suddenly, Lust stopped walking. "Oh dear! Kimblee, while I'm rather interested in your story so I can blackmail you with it later, my homunculus perception skills are detecting Scar's aura, and it's right near The Flame's aura."

"What if he tries and kills us!" exclaimed Yoki

"Well, Xiaomei can do martial arts if she can, it's okay if she doesn't since she's a panda and that's fine with me, we're all different. And if Kimblee's not too busy being the resident villain-in-distress getting in near-death situations and having to be saved from a tower by my brothers and the Gold Toothed Doctor, as he always is, then he can do alchemy," said Lust.

Xiaomei smiled because someone recognized her as a panda and not a mutated cat, and Kimblee said "thank you" sarcastically.

"And I have my Ultimate Spears…as well as a cutlass, a saber, an AK47, a manual for the proper way to do Chinese water torture, mustard gas, pepper spray, poison darts, a syringe filled with dangerous viruses, a steak knife, a battleaxe, some rocks, a lead pipe, a tank, and a sword on me," Lust continued, lusting for blood.

"Where do you have all that hidden?" asked Yoki incredulously.

"My gloves. Where else?" replied Lust in a casual tone.

"Oh look!" shrieked Xiaomei. "A door, and I hear some noises! Maybe the Flame's in there?" She ran for the large doorway and attempted to open it. Alas, it was locked. So Yoki started beating at it.

"WHO'S IN THERE?" he shouted, disguising his voice.

"…that's you, isn't it, Yoki," came Scar's voice. "I've been in here for the past few hours. It's not too bad, I've been watching the first anime and I'm never going to look at Mayor Sloth the same way ever again. But a few minutes ago The Flame said he was going to kill me and then you all."

"Will you shut up if I blow the door open?" asked Kimblee.

"Yes, Kimblee. You should create an explosion so you can draw the attention of the entirety of this building including the Flame can swoop in and kill me, and then I'll shut up, because I'll be with my brother and Ishvala," said Scar with sarcasm.

"Well, I'm not doing anything that could get me in danger," said Yoki as he stepped aside, right under a giant swinging chandelier which was dripping in flames.

Xiaomei tried to chew a hole in the door, but the wood was too thick, so Lust ended up having to pick the lock with her little-finger.

"Thanks. I think," said Scar. "Where should we exit? The front door, or the windows, or what?" He wanted to avoid the Flame at any cost.

At that moment, Xiaomei pointed over to the distance and shrieked. "IT'S THE FLAME!" she yelled. Yoki began to run away, and Lust and Kimblee adopted warlike poses.

"You heard that right! It's me, ROY MUSTANG, THE WICKED FLAME OF THE WEST AND HIS FLAME ALCHEMY!" he shouted as he started to make a path of flames on the ground. "I will give you the chance to escape, but you will be followed by my minions!" That was his idea of "giving you the chance to escape." He laughed maniacally.

"…" said Scar, who was pondering over how exactly that counted as escape.

"You have missed your chance, Yoki! We're fighting this one out!" declared The Flame. "You all, except possibly Xiaomei because Fuery wants to adopt her but I want vengeance, will regret ever getting on my bad side!"

"What, are you going to kill me?" asked a skeptical Lust.

"Actually, yes. You're a homunculus so I'm going to burn you again and again and again and again and have a hell of a fun time doing it. Then I'm going to burn your Stone so you can never be reborn ever again. You homunculi are such freaks," grimly smiled The Flame.

"I sure didn't do anything!" Yoki said defensively.

"Well, not directly to me. But you had that huge tax scheme and my aunt, Madame Christmas, grew up in that town. Also your mustache offends me because it's worse than mine, and I have to have the worst mustache since I'm this story's main antagonist. Also, you're working with the guy who killed my sister," explained the Flame.

"What about me?" asked Kimblee in a "really man, I've seen it all at this point" tone.

"You, Kimblee…" The Flame began. "When we were in the war I hated you. When we were in military training I hated you. Hell, when we were in high school I hated you. I am going to break you in ways you did not know you would ever be broken. You will possibly fare worse even than Scar. I will do such things to you that death will be your mercy."

"I really didn't mean to kill your sister. Neither did my house," said Scar.

"Oh? Well. Apparently family means nothing to you. Well, soon, being burned alive slowly and painfully over a course of hours will mean something to you. And don't think I care about your excuses or the fact that you're from another world or whatever. Because I don't. I don't like you, Scar, in fact, I hate you." The Flame steadied his gaze on Scar.

And he continued, looking at both Xiaomei and Scar. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little panda too!"


	8. Useless!

**I'm not dead :D**

**Who wants a Mean Girls crossover? With FMA? You like? **

**Oh man…The Flame dies next chapter. XD**

"I'll give you one final chance, though," The Flame said as he moved in closer to Scar. Half of his body was obscured by shadows in the dark room since he liked to keep it dramatic. "Only if you hand me the arrays."

"Didn't we just go over that a few chapters ago?" Scar broke the fourth wall, as if that really made any difference. "I am not giving these up."

(From the still-going-on rave in Briggs, as Olivier was watching a very drunk Miles reciting Ishvalan folk hexes, she thought 'I really hope Scar is holding onto those arrays and their secrets.' She then went on to turn up the volume of the song that was playing, "Rain Capture Survive Inferno," by the Briggs army trance band which she played synthesizer in.)

"Just because we already went over it, that doesn't mean we can't do it again," the Flame countered in annoyance. His head hurt like hell, and had since a few hours prior, when Pride from the first anime came in from a huge plot hole and stabbed his eye out. Now, the Flame was wearing an eye patch to cover the wound. Yes, everyone in this story seems to know a thing or to about being wounded. The Flame- how to fight a wound, Scar- how to bear a wound, The Alchemist- how to pretend to be perfectly sweet and innocent them take your alkahestry powers and give someone some grand ole Xingese-style permanent wounds. "Really, Scar, do you think I care? Listening to every one of your tediously neurotic and heavily accented sentences is not on the top of my priority list."

"So I suppose we're to battle it out then?" asked Scar, trying to compose himself as best as possible.

"Let's roll some heads," The Flame replied. "But first I will start by making sure none of your….uh…companions will be able to fight me back." This was when Yoki hid behind a large red marble statue of The Flame. Better safe than sorry.

"And here I thought I walked away from this life long ago," said Lust. "But I'm not going to pass up a chance to bring you down. A keeper of the woods such as I must prevent forest fires!"

"Great," thought the Flame to himself.

"All right, Mustang. I will surely bring you down," Kimblee said threateningly.

"I'm so afraid. After what you've done to yourself, what could you possibly do to me? Oh the horror!" said The Flame in fake terror, placing his gloved hands to his head, which reminded him. He was going to bring these freaks down! Well…he'd focus on Yoki later. He didn't care about him anyway. (The Flame was a bit of an elitist at times. Everyone is. Especially those goddam Amestrians who are they kidding freaking cow-loving alchemy-obsessed gunpeople.)

At that moment, Xiaomei pulled out her shield.

Yes, Scar thought, I'm going to die here. And my only hope of life would have been a panda with a four inch shield, as well as possibly Lust and Kimblee, and that's a very loose 'possibly.' I think I'll happily take a visit to the kingdom of Ishvalla now. That is unless I can somehow get out of this…use Lust's tank to drive out? Make Kimblee be my human shield? Oh, how can I get out of this, put this fire out…WAIT. OMI. GENIUS.

Scar realized he could use water to rob the Flame of his alchemic powers and then decide where to go from there. A simple idea, but Scar had to admit, it sounded like it just might work.

Just as this thought entered his brain, The Flame had set Lust on fire. Except she took a few seconds to notice. "That feels kind of lukewarm, dude," she told him. "Yes….since the 13th century I've been burned at the stake 58 times. So…that's why you're not going to get the desired effect. My face is melting…well, that's an odd sensation." She stuck her hand up and extended her claws, then thrust her spear in the direction of the Flame. He was too quick though, and moved out of the way, flying on his flaming broom.

The broom was producing so much fire that Scar worried for his own safety. In fact, this reminded him of the time when Aunt Winry and Uncle Ed had drunk a bit too much champagne and decided to cook a pizza on an open fire.

"Before I kill you all, I have some special speeches to make since I am a man of not only thinking and doing but speaking as well," announced The Flame. "Lust, you're damn scary. Oh my Leto. Your hair reminds me of tentacles. You're damn scary, that's a straight up fact. You sober and not doing anything is even more frightening than Falman drunk and tap dancing. Also your eyes look like a wild animal's that will eat people."

"Why thank you, young son," said Lust, not having the desired reaction.

"Whatever. Yoki, are you still hiding? Stay that way. Annoying minor character loser." The Flame asked.

"Yeah. I guess you're not so bad if you're not all on me out for my blood," Yoki decided from behind the statue as he text messaged Marcoh.

"And you, Kimblee. Oh man. In high school I wanted to throw pigs' blood all over you. And when I read the manga with my subordinates, we played two drinking games- the first of which was taking a shot every time Winry hit someone with a wrench, but then we found out we could get even more drunk if we took a shot every time you messed something up," the Flame continued.

"Okay you flaming *_censored*,_ why am I getting the most verbal assaults of us all?" Kimblee asked.

"It's your karmic dues for being confident and having high self esteem," scolded the Flame as he watched Lust and Xiaomei read _Supernatural Weapons of Earthly Demise Weekly, _their favorite magazine.

"Are these the morals of your story? That having confidence and high self esteem is bad?" asked Kimblee with disbelief.

"And you're one to talk about morals," said Scar. "Hey Flame! You are going down!"

"Am I? Am I really? Ha! Just…hahahahahahahah!" said the Flame. He was still laughing when Scar found some water and poured it over his gloves. "Hahaha…wait…WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" he shouted.

"Oh sorry. I was just going to help you wash your hands. I think the swine flu is going around…" Scar said sarcastically. "What the hell do you think I just did! I'm trying to use water to kill your fire as revenge against you. It's what you get for stalking and trying to kill me. And there are alchemists where I come from…"

The Flame was groaning. "AUGHHH…" he said.

"What's happening to you, human?" Lust inquired.

"I'M USELESS IN WATER…" the Flame began. "AND NOT JUST THAT…I'M MELTING!" he yelled.

"What do you mean, melting?" Yoki peered out from behind the statue.

"Okay. I mean when I am melting…I'm dying!" The Flame yelled. "Damn you all!"

Well, Scar figured, a few more minutes and then he'd just have to go to The Alchemist and then it would be all over.

But this thought was so far from what actually happened…and Scar didn't know that as he watched The Flame…uh…melt.


End file.
